Christmas and New Year in the safe house

Even though every news channel and tabloid cover were warning tourists to stay away from Goa over the festive season because of terror attacks, Sarah and I still decided to soldier on. We'd spent a month filming transgendered prostitutes in slums and brothels so werent going to let a bunch of Islamic militants get in the way of our deserved holiday. Because everywhere was booked up we ended up staying at the newly opened Armando Corner Luxury Beach Huts in Agonda. It's owned by a retired sea man called Armando and even though the huts are not luxurious, it is on the corner and we couldn't feel safer from all the helicopters and violent police men with their huge guns telling 60 year old woman to get off their sun loungers after 5pm. You could say, that Armando has become a bit like our Indian dad. Here is a couple of coversations with Armando.

Railway Station 6am - (arrive in Margao after the most horrific 9 hour train ride where I slept on blood stained sheets and the smell of shit was being pumped out of the air conditioner. The pully-up-handle-thing on my shitty fake Diesel suitcase that I bought here for £3 broke so the epic walk from the train to the main entrance seemed to take a life time and by the time we got out all I could think about was the beach. Armando, being our Indian dad, came to pick us up from the station.)

Us: Hello Armando nice to meet you!
Armando: You are late, isn't it. You tell me fye thirty, now it is 6am only isn't it?
Us: Yes sorry the train was late, there wasn't much we could do.
Armando: I call you one, two, three, four times.
Us: Sorry but we were carrying our rucksacks and couldn't get to the phone. We're here now though.
Armando: Why you come to wrong exit only? I come to other exit.
Us: Sorry, we just went in the direction of the EXIT sign and waited at the front of the station like you told us to.
Armando: But I come to other side only, you come here. This is wrong side. Big problem now (sweating).
Us: Sorry Armando, but can we get into the car now?
Armando: OK, but you tell me you bring only small bags, this is no small, they are big only.
Us: Sorry Armando, we thought we told you medium sized bags.
Armando: You tell me small bags only, I bring small car because you tell small bags, no big problem fitting the big bags in small car (more sweating)
Us: But look they fit, everything is fine Armando.
Armando: Ok but you come to wrong side of station. I came other side but you came this side only.
Us: OK sorry Armando, can we go now?
Armando: OK, but now we waste too much time talking, we have to go now only.
Us: Ok Armando.

Later, in the back of the car

Armando: You know Bombay blasts, too, too much dead peoples, no?
Us: Yes very sad.
Armando: Goa very most saftiest place, you no need to worry isn't it.
Us: No we aren't worried, thanks Armando.
Armando: Police say Goa red terror alert, terrorists come attack tourists killing them very very blood and violence Christmas and new year – but my Armando Corner most most saftiest. No need you worry.
Us: Oh. OK. So there isn't any threat of terror attacks near here?
Armando: Yes attacks. No attacks from Goa peoples, only attacks from Pakistani, Muslim, Hindu, Kashmiri, other peoples attacking and fighting want to killing tourists. You stay Armando Corner breakfast, lunch, dinner then no problem. Our cook Jimmy is working in U.S.A very bestiest food in whole Goa. No need to go outside isn't it.
Us: So we are safe in Goa then yes?
Armando: Oh yes Armando corner very saftiest place in whole Goa. You will be most safety here only.
Us: Ok thanks. But what if we want to go to another bar or restaurant on Christmas Day for food, drinks, or hallucinagenic drugs?
Armando: No need for to go outside, Armando Corner have bestiest Christmas party, food cooked by Jimmy in U.S.A food, nice music radio playing until 10pm.
Us: But we came here for the crusty free love and all night unregulated beach raves... Where do foreigners go to have fun?
Armando: Armando Corner only so so much fun party. Then 10pm then the police are coming with guns and very violence and smashing towards foreigners making party on the beach. Must very shut down party after 10pm only.
Us. Oh.
Armando: Don't worrying, we are making some quiet party, silent party here after 10pm. My wife and daughter here also and nice 70 years German lady in nextdoor hut making so, so much quieting party.
Us: Sounds great thanks Armando.

At breakfast that morning, we are the only guests staying at Armando Corner, along with the 70 year old German lady.

Armando: How many nights you stay here, how many dinners and lunch and how many breakfasts fruits salad, pineapple, papaya, apple, banana, you have. One every day isn't it.
Us: Erm we don't actually know yet. We only arrived today we'll let you know if we decide to stay longer and if we need to eat.
Armando: Advance booking very most important you telling me how many nights you stay, so so so fully booked every day new person, one man is coming Richard from U.S.A and 70 years German lady is here only, she likes Armando Corner only. Then also other foreigners calling every every day, "I want to stay here Armando Corner," but I tell them "no is space here, fully booked, there is no ways, no ways to stay here". I tell them this because you have the best room only, you came here first. You have the front side beach hut. I give only you the front side, the beach side bestiest side only. Everyone is asking for beach side but I say no only for you.
Us: Thank you. Sorry Armando, we thought we were the only people staying here. There are nine empty double rooms aren't there?
Armando: So, so fully booked only they coming every day but I tell them "NO no is space for you". Very popular Armando Corner, too much popular. In reserve the best room for you Sarah and Pegah only. Very bestiest room.
Us: When are these other guests coming?
Armando: They coming German, U.S.A, UK, Spain, other is every place.
Us: Wow good business Armando, we'll try to stay out of your way then.
Armando: No way! No staying way. You favourite only bestiest guests. Anything you want Armando Corner I give you. Stay here only.

Early one morning I go for a run and Sarah does some yoga next to sea. I come back to the hut.

Armando: Oh I see you running.
Pegah: Oh, did you?
Armando: Yes I see Sarah look she is running too over there.
Pegah: No that's not Sarah. Sarah is over there doing yoga.
Armando: Yes I can see her running too. She is very Athletic, very running fastly only. Good no?
Pegah: no that's not Sarah.
Armando: Yes so much athletic running.

Sarah comes back.

Armando: I saw you running Sarah.
Sarah: I didnt go for a run.
Armando: Yes you were running.
Sarah: No that must have been someone else, i definitely wasnt running.
Armando: Breathing and running very fastly.
Sarah: Yes.
Armando: I used to play football.
Sarah: Oh thats nice.
Armando: You want fruit salad?
Sarah: Yes in a bit thanks
Armando: When do you want it?
Sarah: In about 20 minutes.
Armando: OK, please you tell me anythings you want because Jimmy has too, too much bored, no things to do so he can make you anything you like.
Sarah: ok no problem. can we get some chai with our breakfast too please?
Armando: Tea? OK tea no problem.
Sarah: Can you make Masala chai rather than just normal tea?
Armando: I will make normal most bestiest English tea only isn't it.
Sarah; but can we get Masala chai? we prefer it.
Armando: But English tea is better isn't it, every UK peoples likes.
Sarah: actually we prefer masal chai is that ok?
Armando: Oh but English tea is less problem.
Sarah: So masala chai is too much trouble?
Armando: Yes making too much problem, time is no making chai possible. Jimmy too, too much busy isn't it. English tea OK?
Sarah: OK.

Gandolf the Guru

Underneath that big white beard he's laughing all the way to the bank.

Christmas dinner

I can't really explain how good this was. Best fish i've ever had. Best bread i've ever had. Best chips i've ever had. Most socially awkward waiter i've ever had too. Below is red snapper, pomme fritt (which i thought was french for chips but its a fish), and shark.

BERRY MERRY CHRISTMASSSS

I asked Santa for a hot French girl and I must have been a good girl cause look what I got!

Lolo joined me in my travels last night and within 10 minutes of her being here we had a bag of Mary Jane (that's for you Bruno). We had to hang out with some crusty choads playing accoustic guitar and singing Nivarna and Tracey Chapman covers to get it, but it was worth it. Last night we went to midnight mass but got bored so left a few minutes after and now the Christian community of Goa hate us. Today I have been mostly sitting on a deserted beach eating lobster and drinking champagne. I might get involved in some fire juggling and bongo banging later. I have purchased a tie dye sarong.

Peace out.

x

Lessons in speaking Indian

I have learnt that when Indian people don't understand you (which is always), rather than trying to just repeat things really slowly and loudly like an annoying Brit abroad, it's just better to give in and say what you want in an Indian accent. I thought that by doing this constantly on a daily basis that it would decrease in comedy value. However, it seems to be one of those things that just gets funnier every time. I have no idea if Indian people realise that i'm doing it or not but they definitely understand me better as soon as I do it. They probably wonder why I laugh hysterically in their faces afterwards though. Here are some of my favourites, and the phrases that I say the most:

Bottle of water = vader boddle
Toilet paper = dayled peypah
Toast with some butter = buddered dost
Railway station = vailvay stashon
Two = doo
Fifteen = biffteen
Sugar seperate = soogar seppe-rret
Finger chips = pinger chipz
Contour road (the road i live on) = gondor rowd

You can't curry love

Does anyone actually read this blog? Should I bother putting more stuff on?

Chipa-tis the season to be jolly

I keep forgetting it's Christmas. It only hit me when this house down our road decided to go all out with the fairy lights.

Oh what a perfect day

On Sunday Sarah took me to the Devaraja flower market, which is a bit like Columbia Road flower market, except instead of overpriced plants and annoying hipsters in £5 shoes from Brick Lane there's massive sacks full of flower petals and women who have spent the entire day sewing millions of daisies together, and twelve year old children making you incense sticks and showing you their sketch books which has been signed by every single westerner that has bought something from their stall. They all say things like "Thank you Deepak for such a fantastic afternoon. We really enjoyed smelling all the different perfumed oils you sell and we can't wait to use all our wonderful incense's. Cant wait to come back! Sue and Kevin, Wolverhampton"

This kid was 12 years old and knew 5 different languages. He made us a few Sandalwood flavoured incense sticks which I will probably give to Jackie.

Then we took a romantic walk to the Mysore Palace so I could watch them turn on the lights at 7pm. We got there at 6.45 and there was some kind of live theatre show going on involving a four year old girl on stage shouting stuff we couldn't understand and who had the most annoying high pitched voice that was being amplified to a deafening volume. Sarah suggested we go for dinner and then see the lights on the way home. We treated ourselves to a semi-posh dinner at the Park Lane Hotel in Mysore which had a really weird tribal mask outside and above our table had these red light switches which you turned on every time you wanted service, a bit like in a plane when you need the air stewardess for a sick bag. I kept switching the light on and asking for stupid things which pissed the waiter off.

The restaurant was full of gap year students, package holiday families and twenty-somethings with Lonely Planet popping out of their ruck sack. Was actually a nice change from the yogies. Then we got a rickshaw home and found out that the Palace lights only stays on for an hour so I missed it and I leave Mysore today so i'll never see them. I'm still trying to forgive Sarah.

Cat nap

Baggia

Possibly the cutest kid in the entire galaxy.

Mysore Zoo

I was only interested in the monkeys.

it wasnt that small.

this one actually made a hissing noise at me.

this one reminded me of Ted.

i liked this one.

these two were having a great time.

Sky Plus

Heads

Bit of a retard

Crisps

I'm really craving some Walkers salt and vinegar crisps today.

My Ked's arent welcome here

Fair enough

Marzipan houses

If all the houses in the world looked like the houses in Mysore we'd all be a lot happier.

This one is our flat...

Bangalore Boys

This is Sarah's India blog: http://curriedaway.blogspot.com/

We've just posted a new blog on it about our experience with the hunks of Bangalore.

Indian Hello Buddies!

This one is simply because I miss Ben Rayner. Hello Buddy x

(you mean beware of his sweet puppy eyes?)

Needles

Tonight I got acupuncture whilst watching a black and white Mexican film called Duck Season. Sarah and Sean got bored so turned it off but I thought it was good (bastards). Sorry Jaimie if you see this I know how much this would freak you out.

Devadasi Girls

These are a few of the girls that we interviewed for the film. I wont go into too much details about them because I need to save it for a bigger blog.

Here are two best friends called Beluwa and Mala. Beluwa (left) is 22 and Mala (right) is about 15 but she doesn't know for sure as she doesn't know when her birthday is. Poor Indian families don't register their kids birthdays so they forget when it is. In poor schools all the children have to have their birthday on the same day - June 1st. Imagine how annoying that would be, you'd get no lime light for the day.


We went to their village and Beluwa made us fresh roti's from corn. They tasted amazing. One of the little village kids pissed in Pierre's shoes.


These are two generations of Devadasi ladies. Grandmother and mother. There is a granddaughter too but she died a few years back. There was a framed photo of the daughter in the mudhut where they had superimposed her head onto the body of a woman wearing a really glamorous sari sitting on a chair with again, a superimposed image of mountains in the background. This is what they do when people die in India. I think i've seen similiar images with some Iranian relations too.

The mother was also making roti's when we went to her mud hut. I think roti's are pretty popular when you're in poverty and have nothing else to eat. Her one wasn't as good as Beluwa's but she was making it in a pitch black room which was pretty cool.


This is Grandma. Sarah called her greedy granny because when we offered her and her family some snacks she whipped them up and kept smacking the little kids every time they went for some. She also stole all our bottles of water. I gave out some dolls and toys to the kids and she nicked them too. Then she kept tugging at my trousers and basically asked me to give some more dolls to this little girl who didn't get one. I explained I had no more and then noticed she had a little doll tucked away in her sari. I told her "no greedy granny, toys are for the kiddies, not for you" and I took the doll out the sari and gave it to the little girl. She wasn't impressed.

Look at her go with the Kit Kat's!

As we were leaving she held Sarah's hand and seemed to be saying some really emotional words to her. Her eyes were teary and Sarah looked back at her with a sorrowful expression as if to say "Even though I don't understand what you are saying, I'm sorry that you have had such a hard life". Then our translator said "She is saying 'If you bring me back a new sari tomorrow, the world will be a better place'".

Oh Greedy Granny, we'll miss you.

why..........WHY

...is this supposed to encourage people to go to the opticians? LOOK HOW MUCH SHE'S STRETCHED HIS EYE BALL AND ABOUT TO PUT HER FINGER DIRECTLY INTO HIS SOCKET!

Hubli to Mudhol

As soon as we got to Hubli I immediately felt a million miles away from the yoga hippies and organic muesli that I had been surrounded by in Mysore. We found a cab driver and arranged a lift to Mudhol. What we didn't realise was that our driver was a smack head and was completely out of his mind. We had about 7 near death experiences where he was playing chicken with 20 ton lorries coming towards us. He kept chewing on this thing called bethal which is also known as beetlenut that gives you a buzz and he had this crazy look in his eye and his teeth were red from chewing this stuff constantly. He dropped us off somewhere to get some food and sat in the corner rolling a massive blunt. Pierre went and played some cherades with him that basically translated to "please refrain from smoking that thing before you drive us you fucking pyscho". I think he got it, he just sat in the corner with his tail between his legs and drank some tea. Then he kept stopping at some near-by villages and kept us in the car while he went and bought more drugs. By the time we arrived in Mudhol I think I lost about 5 years of my life. Here are some photos of that journey. I wish I had taken a photo of our driver but I hated him so much at the time I wanted to forget his face.

Part one of our epic journey begins....

This is Pierre, our French camera man, at the start of our 9 hour train ride we were about to embark on from Bangalore to a place called Hubli. We all popped some diazepam and I put my ear plugs up my nostrils so I wouldn't have to smell curry on the way. Ok that's a lie. And probably a bit racist. The next 10 days were going to be some of the funniest/saddest/intense/life changing/life threatening/smelliest days of our lives.

Bangalore 8

Ok, so whoever the hell 'daily emotion' is has really annoyed me as I have been waiting for the last 10 days to post a blog called "Bangalore 8" and they just made a comment on my last blog saying it. Last week after meeting Ronojoy's cousin, 3 lovely Indian hunks took us out clubbing. Dancing became illegal in Bangalore last year so now the city is filled with underground clubs where kids go to dance to really, really loud annoying house music. They danced like there was no tomorrow. I felt like Kevin Bacon in Foot Loose. In all honesty it was one of the funniest nights of my life. I cant post anymore pictures of this night yet because a bigger blog called "Bangalore Boys" will be published on Viceland by Sarah and I at some point this week so watch this space.....

thumbs up, thumbs down...

This is Raj Dam (aka Ronojoy's cousin). He took me, sarah and pierre to a jazzy bar that overlooked the whole of Bangalore where we drank cocktails (he drank a few 'screwdrivers') and we talked about stories of Ronojoy chasing cows and screaming like a girl when he got bitten by mosquitos. He is an amazing guy. Way cooler than Ronojoy. Tonight is my first night in Bangalore...its very very noisy.

i think she's giving me the middle finger

jupiter, venus and the moon

the photo doesnt do justice to how amazing this looked...

note to hippies

no yoga at the dinner table

be my, be my(sore) baby