at least we've got each other and we know how to poach an egg.: October 2009

When I was a kid I used to see adverts for Centre Parcs and fantasize that one day my parents would take us all on the perfect family holiday there where we'd all play tennis, ride our bikes through the woods during magic hour, and jovially push each other into the huge tropical pool. Instead I got family feuds all the way to Tehran, so I thought i'd gatecrash Si's family trip to Longleat Centre Parcs so that I could experience what true wholesome fun feels like before I die.

Because Captain Prang Gang Dance was driving, we left London at 7am and arrived there before most families were having breakfast. Look how excited he is!

We both took our own bikes because they look cooler than the loser mountain bikes you have to hire there. I realised after about two minutes though that my trendy bike with its dumb ass single speed is impossible to ride up hills which the forest is full of. Also Simon pedaling the miniscule wheels on his Brompton was pretty comedy but we still looked way more hip than everyone there which is all that mattered.

I left Si alone with my camera for a few minutes and he took a silly photo of his face.

Oh and also one of a dog's ass.

I took a Ryan McGinley photo.

We spent about 90% of the whole weekend in the rapids.

You might be able to see where im holding my head here, cause I smacked it really hard on the side of the wall on my way down.

The parental unit who are my new favourite people.

In the evening we watched Danni Minogue make homophobic comments on X Factor, and tried to spot my best friend from home dancing on it.

Then we watched a video of Si's sister give birth and his mums friend told us she thinks that she's being controlled by aliens but doesn't expect any of us to understand, followed by Si telling his family his experience of drinking ayuasca tea and hallucinating for 12 hours.